


Catch me as I fall

by mydaydreamsatnight



Category: Elephant (2003)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alex will be romantically involved at some point, Bullying, Dark Thoughts, F/F, F/M, Friendship, I set up the fic as Mature because Alex mention killing other people, Sadness, im terrible at tags but i will add more as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-03-25 20:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 7,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydaydreamsatnight/pseuds/mydaydreamsatnight
Summary: What if things turned out different for Alex? What if he had made different choices?





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Alex.

And my life is pretty much an empty circle. A never-ending cycle.

I think a lot. Shitloads of thinking. All the time, all day every day. I should probably stop doing that but my mind never stops. I need a break. Sometimes its too much and I can’t handle it. I feel like I should suck it up, don’t be a pussy and deal with my problems. The thing is, that’s another problem. I can barely face it. I don’t want to deal with it, I just want it gone. I want to be better. To feel better.

My mind never fucking stops.

This damn school is a nightmare. Every day I walk in and I wonder why do I even bother. I get scared and nervous around all these people who seemed to agree they all hate me. I don’t understand what did I do to them to be treated like this. I consider myself a good person. I don’t pick on other people, I don’t make fun of them. I know better. I know how it feels like. But they don’t and I don’t understand why not. What is the matter with them? Why do I feel like a target? Why can’t they accept me?

They make me always look over my shoulder and I’m afraid of being here. I don’t want to be here in this school or nowhere near these people.

I wonder if they think about their actions. How it hurts. How they hurt me. And so many others...

Maybe if they knew what is going on inside my mind, they would fear me too.


	2. Chapter 2

I don’t have many friends. Perhaps two or three that I really consider being my real friend. Friends that I know I can trust and have my back if I needed. I guess that’s something, right?

It’s a big something. Means I’m not completely alone in this hell of a place.

They go through the same shit I go through at school. Some worst than others. They all have their own demons to deal with. I’m not one to meddle. But we share our misery. We talk when we need. Though, it’s not often. Sometimes I think we only got to be friends because of all the fucking suffering we put up with. Being bullied by the same assholes.

Fuck. I hate them so much.

Its hard to be a good kid when you feel so much hate towards someone. Well, in my case, several people. If I was a drama queen I would say the whole school. But, I won’t go that far.

That’s because I’m _that_ good of a kid.

I can see the difference between good and bad. Between being nice and being an asshole. Between being normal and being a psychopath – though I gotta say, that last line for me seems blurrier each day.

I understand. I have the power to think and to understand things. I know I’m better compared to some of these brainless zombies.

But shit. Who I am to say anything. Ignorance can be a bliss for some.

Just... not me.

Not for me.


	3. Chapter 3

My mind screams at me, for the things I see and can’t forget. For the things I hear and can’t ignore. I see them mocking me, I hear they laughing at me. I should get up from my seat and do something to make them stop. But what can I do? Last time I try, they put me in detention. Something about disrupting the class. Fuck this.

They didn’t even ask me why I snapped during class. They never take the time to listen to the students. They think putting me in detention helped in anything in any regard? Yeah, sure, it helped to make me even angrier with this damn place and these stupid people.

And now was happening again. The other students see it too. I know not all of them take pleasure in what they are doing to me, but they don’t try to stop it either. That would be asking for too much, I guess. At least in the world I live in. I was this close to snap again.

“For fuck’s sake.”  
“Don’t let them get to you...”  
“Easier said than done.”  
“Being stuck in detention again because of them, won’t help.”

Eric is one of the friends I know I can trust. I trust he sees things the same way I do. Feels good to have someone in the same page with you. Who understands you in a way that you don’t have to explain yourself about anything. Because they already know.

“I never get any help in this school”  
“That makes two of us.”


	4. Chapter 4

It’s hard to concentrate during classes. The bullying doesn’t help, I wish I could blame it all on that but wouldn’t be completely fair. I’ve never been an A student. My grades consist on C+’s and occasionally some B’s – but that’s when I like the subject. I was never good at Math, it never made any sense to me even though my father says ‘it’s math, it makes perfect sense’.

Crazy, right?

Art classes aren’t bad. It’s the class I get B’s in it. I even got a teacher to say she was proud and quite impressed with my project. I won’t lie, it felt good. The project was to paint your vision of yourself or to write a paper on how you see life.

I know. Dangerous territory. How would I ever be able to express any of that to someone who I doubt would grasp anything I have to say or show? Truth be told, I wasn’t gonna do it. But I found myself sketching things and writing little side notes all over my books. Maybe was worth the try. This was Art class, after all.

I did both.

Wrote the paper about life. Oh, sweet irony. I don’t consider myself a happy person, though I have a decent life. I tried my best to explain how my life was good... when I’m not around people. When I feel most comfortable in my own skin is when I’m alone.

The painting, well, that was a little more complicated. I made some raw drawings about my face, but I was never fully satisfied with it. So, I end up going for something simple yet true. My painting was me standing in a room full of people, with my hands covering my eyes shut.

She asked if she could keep the drawing. I was so surprised that I end up saying yes. When I got my paper back it had a huge B+ on it, and a little note that said, ‘even solitude can be shared.’

Well...

Fuck me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://instagram.ffor8-2.fna.fbcdn.net/vp/470f972d2ae0b978d02e673196b1ed5a/5B3127AA/t51.2885-15/e35/20180679_1931811440390885_1637724459357962240_n.jpg


	5. Chapter 5

 

“Hey man, what’s up?”  
“That asshole from Gym class is in the locker room. Watch yourself if you go that way.”

Why Gym class even exists? Fucking hell if I know. I feel exposed. At least Eric is here. His company helps and the class goes faster that way.

“Did he bother you?”  
“Just the usual...”  
“You know, part of me wants to get back at him. Like, make him pay for what he puts us through.”  
“Oh yeah? And the other part, what does it want?”

Very good question. The other part of me wants to ignore. Pretend is not happening, then maybe, just maybe, it would stop happening altogether. I mean is not right to just bend over and let them have their way with us. We need to react. We need to act. But how do you fight a bully without becoming one?

“The other part is... conflicted.”  
“You might need to get both parts on the same page soon… because he’s coming.”

Great. Just wonderful. I’ll get send to detention again because there’s no way I’m taking shit from this asshole today. The Gym is actually with two more classes, so there’s a lot of other people around, this might work in my favor if he decides to fuc–

“Let’s go. The class is fucking done.”

Eric’s voice comes from behind me, pulling me by my arm towards the exit. I wouldn’t win a fight against him, he knows it, I know it... the whole school probably knows it. Which makes it worse. He deserves to get punished in some way. He deserves to get bullied by someone else. It’s the only way he will ever learn or understand how he makes us feel.

“The bell won’t save you every time, loser!”

I heard him yell at me from the Gym. He’s right. The bell won’t save me every time, but for now, I’m good. I wave my middle finger at him, as I walk to the parking lot.

He will get what’s coming to him soon enough.


	6. Chapter 6

 

I give Eric a ride home from school. His family can’t afford to give him a car yet, but he said he will have one this year. I don’t really mind driving him. He lives fairly close and if it's not raining, he can even walk to my place.

“What are you doing today? Wanna come over later?”  
“I can’t. My father needs help with the garage or something...”  
“Last time that didn’t end well.”  
“I know.”

His voice is weak, shaky. I don’t like it. His father is aggressive, edgy, unpredictable. One wrong move and he can go down on you. I’ve seen it happen a couple of times before.

“I will let the basement door open, yeah? If you need... just come over.”  
“Okay.”

Both of my parents work. I don’t spend much time with them and maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t really remember either of them ever beating me. They can be annoying as fuck and yell and give me a fucking hard time, but, that’s pretty much it. That’s our interaction. We don’t talk much or at all, normally. They don’t ask about my day and I don’t really care about theirs either.

When they do talk to me is to push me. To tell me I should have goals and be better. It kills me. And it makes me mad. I’m already doing my best to be better, and it’s not enough.

But we do pretend we are a happy family at every holiday. We are very good at pretending.

I have a lot of free time once I’m back from school. It get’s pretty lonely sometimes and when that happens the house even feels bigger. I don’t particularly like feeling that way... I rather be alone but I hate feeling lonely.

Shit... how’s that for pathetic?


	7. Chapter 7

 

There’s one thing about where I live that used to bother me a lot. Some people from school lives very close to me. Eric is one, even though is a few streets down, John is another, he lives about 5 blocks up the street. His father is a drunk. Not sure when it started, but John had been babysitting his own father since the first time we bumped into each other. He is a good kid. The type that fits in every social group.

I wish I was like that, able to adapt to different situations or people. I trust John.

And then there’s Julia. She lives across the street, two houses down.

I parked the car completely distracted. She’s outside helping her mother unload the car with the groceries. Julia was never mean to me. We used to interact from time to time, here on the street and few times at school. But I haven’t seen much of her lately. I wonder if she dropped out? I hope not.

I watch her, like the creep I am.

She sees me standing next to my car, looking at her. Shit. Fuck. Now she’s gonna know for sure I’m a creep. I try to look away, to start walking and go inside my house but my body isn’t really responding because she’s waving at me, saying hi.

I look around to be sure she’s waving at me and not someone else but the street is empty. For some reason, it makes her smile. She signs with her hand for me to wait before she walks away with the lasts of the grocery bags.

I wait for her. Mostly because my body is still not responding. Doesn’t take long until she appears again, smiling and walking over my way.

She’s coming over here.

Fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

 

“Hi, stranger. Didn’t see me saying hi?”  
“I... I wasn’t sure.”

God. I sound like a fucking pussy. I want to say something, anything. I want to talk to her but I can actually feel my brain shutting down. Damn, why is she so beautiful?

“I wanted to see how you are doing. It’s been a while.”  
“Yeah, I know. I was actually wondering if we still go to the same school...”  
“We do. Almost all my classes this semester are on the other side of the school. And I was never really a fan of eating in the cafeteria so I rarely go that way now.”  
“Oh. Yeah makes sense. I... I didn’t know.”

She smiles at me and I can’t breathe. Would it be too much to admit that I miss her?

“So, how are you?”  
“Ah, you know...”

I shrugged. There’s no fucking way I will tell her how fucked up my life has been.

“No, I don’t. You have to tell me.”  
“I’m alright, I guess.”  
“You’re not sure?”  
“It’s just, there are good days and bad days...”  
“And what’s today?”

Shit. Let’s see. Got mocked, laughed at, bullied, almost chased down by the asshole from the Gym, my best friend might get beat down later... and now, the most beautiful girl I know is talking to me, so...

“Right now? My day got a whole lot better.”  
“Good.”

The way she smiled, blushing, made me dizzy. I smiled back. Is this normal?

“Listen, I have to go but, there’s gonna be a party at my house tomorrow night.”  
“Oh?”  
“It won’t be anything big, a few of my friends and some of their friends...”  
“Yeah, I know how it is.”

Awesome. All the people I don’t stand a chance with. I try to look away but she doesn’t let me.

“What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing is wrong.”  
“I’d like to see you there.”  
“I don’t know...”  
“Why not?”  
“I don’t get along with those people from school. And I’m not really in the mood to deal with more insults –“  
“Hey, no,... no one will insult you there.”

It’s cute how she thinks that. I don’t think she knows how bad those people treat me. And I want to say yes because I want to be around her and meet her friends and hang out, and maybe, just maybe, have a chance with her.

“I won’t force you to go. But I’d really like to see you there.”  
“I... I don’t know...”  
“If you change your mind, the party will start around 9 pm.”  
“Okay.”

She touched my arm before turning to walk away... my mind was spinning. She invited me to her party. She wanted me there. No one was that polite, right? I mean, she didn’t have to tell me about the party. I would probably not even notice the party happening anyways, so she had no reason to tell me unless she really wanted me there. For whatever the reason.

“Julia?”  
“Yeah?”

She turns, before crossing the street.

“Are _you_ okay?”  
“I’m alright... _I guess_.”

I’m pretty sure I blushed, she used my words on me. Her smile always manages to catch me off guard.  



	9. Chapter 9

 

Can you imagine how fun would it be to live inside a game? To feel brave. To feel powerful. To feel in control... of your own life. I don’t know how any of that shit feels. In real life, things are hard for me. I’m a joke. I can’t talk to people long enough to make friends. I’m not even sure how I became friends with Eric in the first place. One day I was alone and in the next, he was making me company.

Eric likes the same games I play, which are usually about shooting people. Heh. I like how it makes me feel. Brave, powerful and in control. I imagine the faces that haunt me every day in the characters I kill in the game. I make them pay for all the times they hurt me and all the times they would continue to hurt me.

It’s the only way I can get some sort of sick relief from all this hate I feel inside me. It’s what is keeping me from doing it for real...

It’s what makes me sane. Am I, sane? I shoot people in a game wishing it was real to avoid doing it for real. Is it normal to want to hurt the ones that hurt you? I often think it is... but I’m not sure.

When I watch Eric play, sometimes, I see him shooting people in the back. Slowly approaching to hit the target when they least expect, to catch them by surprise. Eric can be pretty sneaky...

But, me?

I like to look them in the eye. I want them to see me coming and watch as they realize their lives will be over.

And the last thing they see is my face.

Smiling.

It’s fucked up if you think about it, then again, I’m pretty fucked up.

What else is new?


	10. Chapter 10

 

“Alex?”

The voice caught me by surprise. Was late at night, my room was dark, I look around trying to figure it out if it was just my imagination or not, when I hear my name again, weaker this time. I immediately got up and headed to the door, then I saw him.

“Alex?”  
“Jesus Christ, Eric. What the hell happened?”  
“Can I crash here today?”  
“Yeah man, you know you can... can you walk? Come on, put your arm up on my shoulder. You will sleep in my bed tonight.”  
“I had to get beat up to get special treatment huh?”  
“Wasn’t expecting you to go this far just to be in my bed...”

I hear him laughing. The fucker.

I help him sit down on the edge of my bed, he winced in pain when he does. Shit. Last time his father did some damage it wasn’t this bad. His lip was hurt and by the look of it, his torso and ribs were fucked too.

“Things went bad, I take it.”  
“I dropped a jar by accident, the one he kept all his screws and nails...”  
“Yeah yeah, I know which one.”  
“I fucking broke up. He lost his mind, beat the crap out of me and after he was done, he made me pick it up everything, to keep it in another, fucking, jar.”

Eric’s voice was tired, but I could feel the anger through his words. He kept his hand over his ribs, almost protecting it. I reach his hands, moving them away so I could pull his shirt up.

“Let me see.”  
“No, it’s fine.”  
“Let me see how bad it is, Eric.”  
“I’m fine...”

He said again but didn’t stop me this time. I pulled his shirt up enough for me to see it. There were bruises all over his right side. His father probably kicked him when he was on the ground. Fucking coward. Right about now, I can relate to Eric’s anger.

He looked ashamed when my gaze found his. I pulled his shirt back down.

“Maybe we should get you to a hospital.”  
“Alex, I just want to sleep it off... I will be fine in the morning.”  
“Are you sure about this? It looks pretty bad.”  
“Yeah, I’m sure. It looks worse than it is.”  
“Alright then.”

I helped him to get settled before I get the couch ready for me spend the night. The couch isn’t bad, its comfortable but very small. I don’t mind, though. Before I drifted into sleep I hear his voice again.

“Besides, I can’t take the chance of sleeping in your bed for granted...”

Heh.

Little fucker.


	11. Chapter 11

 

The weekends tend to be pretty uneventful. My parents sometimes take off with family friends and only come back late Sunday. Normally I would overthink things and end up angry and depressed, and if I was lucky, drunk as well. But today I’m actually relieved the house is empty.

They didn’t notice Eric slept over. It was a good thing... explaining all his bruises would be difficult, especially because it wasn’t my place to explain anything, it was Eric’s.

I checked in on him, to make sure he is okay. Even though I know he is hurt, he seemed to be sleeping comfortably. I leave the room and head to the kitchen. Mom left some breakfast ready, but I don’t feel hungry. A glass of juice will be enough for now.

Walking over the living room I stopped by the window. I can see Julia’s house from here. The sight of her caught my eyes, and just like that, I feel nervous again. Why do I feel like this? Why does she make me feel like this? She looks happy. She is smiling as she talked to someone I don’t recognize. She is probably setting the place ready for the party she invited me to.

I still wasn’t sure about going or not. I mean, she invited me to go. And I wanted to go. Meet her friends and fit in. Have a good time. Feel normal. But for that to happen it means I actually have to go and face half of the school and people who are most likely set out to hate me.

I don’t know why she invited me. Damn, this is frustrating. Can’t I, for once, not overthink everything?

“What’s going on?”

Eric’s voice startled me. At least now I will have his company to distract me.

“Nothing is going on.”  
“Right. You have been staring outside for several intense minutes...”  
“I said it’s nothing.”  
“Yeah, okay, let’s see what nothing looks like.”

Eric was standing next to me now, trying to focus on where I have been looking. Well, _staring_ , as he put it. He smiled. The fucker fucking smiled at me.

“What?”  
“That doesn’t look like nothing.”

I glare at him. Whatever.

Normally I would shove him off or tap him in the back of his head, but once I noticed he still had his hand on his ribs protecting it. He was definitely still in pain.

“There’s some breakfast left if you want...”  
“You already ate?”  
“Wasn’t hungry.”  
“Then, I’m good.”

I watch him trying to sit on the couch in front of the tv. His face wincing as he moves. I fucking hate this. I leave the living room to look for my mother’s painkillers, I know she has some stashed somewhere.

“Hey, where are you going? Don’t make me follow you, I just sat down.”  
“Stay there. I will only take a minute.”

And as promised, it took a minute to figure it out where she hid all the strong meds. Really, mom? In the sock drawer? Come on, you can do better than that. I make my way back to Eric with a glass of water in one hand and the pill in the other.

“Take this.”

Can’t say it didn’t feel good when he simply took the pill from my hand, not bothering to ask what it was. I liked how he trusted me.

“It will help with the pain.”  
“Won’t they notice you took it?”  
“It’s my mother’s. And it’s only one pill. She won’t notice.”  
“Thank you.”

I went to the kitchen and got us both some breakfast. I set up those little tables that lazy and old people use to eat in front of the tv, both of my parents use it from time to time.

“Eat.”

I told him, putting the table closer to him. He chuckled. He was enjoying my attention way too much...

“Don’t get used to it.”  
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

He let out another chuckle.

We ate in silence for a while. Watching crappy programs and boring commercials. There’s nothing ever good on television these days anymore.

“So, what’s with the staring at Julia’s earlier?”  
“It’s not–“  
“And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

I looked at him, unsure if I should tell him what was going on in my head. If anyone would understand, it would be Eric.

“She invited me to her party tonight.”  
“Woah. Dude, that’s good.”  
“Hm”  
“Isn’t it?”  
“I don’t know why she invited me...”  
“What you mean you don’t know? Why anyone invites people to anything? She wants you there, man. Simple.”

Even though Eric made perfect sense, my mind screams _too good to be true_. A beautiful girl invites a loser to her party? Too good to be fucking true.

“I don’t know.”  
“Do you trust her?”  
“I do. I mean, she never did anything to make me _not_ trust her...”  
“Then you should go.”  
“Half the school will probably be there. I just–”  
“This is not about them. It’s about Julia. How often do you get that chance?”

 _Never_. I looked away.

“My point exactly. She invited you, so you have the right to be there just like everyone else.”

I look back at him.

“Since when you are the voice of _my_ reason? Did I give you the wrong pill?”  
“Man, I don’t know. But I feel fiiiine.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

The afternoon was long gone and it was almost time for the party. I looked out the window and Julia’s house is lighten up with some music playing. I don’t think there’s a lot of people there yet, though. Good. I still have time to get ready.

I took a shower and went to decide what to wear. Halfway through the way to her house, I started wondering when exactly I decided to go.

Before I could change my mind, I spotted her at the entrance of the house, chatting with a small group of people.

I waved at her when she saw me at the driveway.

“Alex!”

God, she looked even prettier up close.

“Hi”  
“Hi yourself. I’m glad you’re here.”

She leaned closer and gave me a hug.

“I- I wasn’t sure if you would come.”  
“I’m surprised with it myself...”

The words come out of my mouth before I could stop myself but somehow, she smiled at me. I allow myself to look around and noticed a few of her friends were looking at us. Then I looked down at our hands. Julia was still holding both of my hands from when she leaned back from the hug.

Julia noticed I was getting nervous about her friends, she let go of one of my hands but kept holding the other.

“Wanna meet them?”  
“Oh, uh, I- I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”  
“They are good people...”

She assured me. I didn’t want to be the asshole who says no on meeting the girl best friends, and honestly, I did want to meet them.

“Trust me?”

There it is that question again, the same one Eric wanted to know. This time the answer came easily.

“Yeah. Okay”

She reached for my hand, lacing her soft fingers in mine as she made her way to her friends. I was feeling nervous, tense, I didn’t want to go through tonight with what I go through every day at school, my hand had a firm hold on hers. Then I felt her thumb gently caressing my skin as we continue to walk.

“Hi, guys. What’s going on?”

She asked her friends. They were smiling, gathered in a circle. They welcomed her back to the circle, asked her to sit down. She did, bringing me along with her.

“We are having a discussion about new ways to procrastinate.”  
“Oh great. I didn’t miss anything important then.”  
“No, you didn’t. And who’s this?”

I didn’t know what Julia planned on saying. I wasn’t expecting her to introduce me to anyone, let alone let other people see me with her. But I do trust her, though.

“This is Alex.”

She smiled at me before looking back at her friends.

“Oooh, the famous Alex. Well, hi famous Alex, a pleasure to finally meet you. I’m Tyler and these are Milo, Sam, and Kate.”  
“Hello. It’s nice to meet everyone...”  
“You live around here?”  
“Yeah, a couple of houses down.”  
“Oh, so you and Julia probably hang out a lot, huh?”

Tyler was smirking, obviously insinuating something else was going on. Julia rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything.

“No, uhn, we actually don’t hang out as much as I would like.”  
“How come?”

Julia answers before I could.

“Alex keeps mostly to himself. We live on the same street but I hardly see him and this semester all my classes are on the other side of the building, we don’t cross paths anymore.”

She gets quiet after answering, and it makes me feel a little guilty. I never ignored her or went out of my way to avoid her, but I guess I didn’t try to find her either. I never thought she actually noticed I wasn’t there. I never ever thought she would miss me.

“We will now. Right?”

Even though my voice was low, trying to have some privacy, I know her friends were listening.

“I mean, even if we don’t see each other at school, you can stop by my house whenever you like, or maybe I can visit you here too?”

She smiled.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”  
“There you go. All you two needed was a little push... now, who’s gonna get me more stuff to drink? I’m all out.”

Tyler asks and the others look around, there are empty cans and cups all over the ground to where we are sitting. This is amusing and her friends seem genuinely nice. They kept making fun of each other while telling not funny jokes.

I stood up and volunteer to go get the drinks.

“I can go. What are you having?”  
“Oh, no dude, no, it’s fine. I was giving the hint to these guys here...”  
“I don’t mind.”

Tyler looks at Julia, asking if that’s okay, but she was watching me with fond eyes.

“You sure?”  
“I really don’t mind. I can bring something for everyone, me included.”  
“Uh, okay, well, anything you find there as long it has alcohol in it, it’s fine by me.”

I look to the rest to see if they agree, they nod. And with that, I make my way to the big table filled with cups and a few bottles of tequila and whiskey. The punch bowl isn’t far, which makes me think that probably half of these bottles are already in there.

I take a sip of the punch to check it, and yep, too damn strong. This will do, this will do just fine. I gather some cups and pour some punch in them. When I was figuring out how exactly I was gonna take all the cups back I hear a familiar voice behind me.

“What do we have here?”

This can’t be happening. Not now. Not here.

“What are you doing here, loser?”

I turn around. It’s the asshole from gym class. Great.

“Look, I don’t want any trouble...”  
“And I asked you a question.”  
“I was invited to this party.”  
“Somehow I doubt that. Who would invite a creep like you?”

A few people laughed at what he said but most of the party just stayed silent.

“Just leave now before I make you.”  
“I didn’t do anything–”  
“And for your sake, you better keep it that way.”

Normally I don’t react or even interact with those people who bully me, but the audacity of this guy was a little too much. This wasn’t his party or his house... this was Julia’s house. I was wanted here. I knew I was.

“What’s your problem with me?”  
“My problem is that I already told you to leave and you’re still here. Get out!”  
“No.”

He seemed taken aback. Probably the first no he ever got from the people he tormented. The party around us had their mouths open by the whole scene... can’t say I blame them. I was pretty surprised by my reaction too.

“What did you just say?”  
“He said no.”

Julia’s voice came from behind him, startling everyone.

“Hi, Sweetheart. I’m just taking care of something, there’s nothing to worry about...”  
“I’m not worried. And don’t call me sweetheart.”

She passed by him and stood in front of me.

“You okay?”

She sounded upset, her eyes were full of concern. I nod, saying yes. She turned around to face him.

“I think you owe Alex an apology.”  
“Julia, come on. You care about this loser?”  
“Yes.”  
“You can’t be serious. I was cleaning the house. You should be thanking me and not give me a hard time...”  
“Apologize.”  
“I’m not apologizing to that freak.”

I see Tyler, Milo, Sam, and Kate approaching what was now a big circle watching us. I slowly reached for Julia’s hand, catching her attention. Her expression softens when she looks back at me.

“It’s okay, Juls.”  
“It’s not okay, Alex.”  
“I don’t need his apology. It won’t mean anything to me even if he does apologize.”  
“Are you sure?”

I nod.

“Don’t let him ruin your party. He’s not worth the attention.”

Julia seemed calmer now, still a little worried but willing to let this whole thing go. But the asshole couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He had to have his way...

“This freak would never get an apology from me. He deserves what he gets because he’s a loser. And believe me, he’s used to it.”

Julia snaps, turning to face him.

“You are in **my** house, uninvited, disrespecting **my** friend and myself. I personally invited Alex. I **want** him here. I don’t recall inviting you though, so, technically you are trespassing. So, apologize right now, to me and Alex, I don’t care how empty your words will be, apologize and get the hell off my house.”  
“You are sending me away because... of this freak??”  
“I swear to God, if you keep insulting him, you will regret it.”

He actually laughs. What a son of a bitch.

“I’m untouchable, Sweetheart. No one here has the balls to do anything...”

I feel Julia squeeze my hand before letting go. She makes her way to him, slow steps closer with her arms back, innocently. My heart is racing. She looks so tiny compared to him.

Next thing I know, I hear people gasping, others cheering. Julia kicked him in the balls so hard he fell on his knees, his face red trying to catch his breath.

“I don’t need balls to kick your ass and I told you not to call me sweetheart.“

Julia looks around, now smiling, looking adorable as ever.

“I think that qualifies as self-defense. Right?”

She asks the crowd and they cheer. She leans down to talk to him.

“Now, say the fucking words...”

She tells him. He looks up, face still red. But I have a feeling it's for a completely different reason.

“I’m. Sorry.”

He sounds as angry as he looks. Which is fine by me. Maybe today he learned a lesson. My hopes are low, people like him don’t learn anything.

“When you are able to walk again, leave my house.”  
  



	13. Chapter 13

Julia holds my hand and leads me to inside her house, as we walk by the people around us, they smile and say hi to her, and she does the same. Some of them even acknowledge me, which it surprised me. This whole night has been a big fucking surprise for me. I’m not used to people being nice to me. I don’t know how I should react or feel.

It feels good. It feels odd. It feels like this is normal. People treating each other with respect.

It’s not my normal, though. I live a sad life. I’m empty.

But Julia is showing me that just as good things turn bad, bad things can become good too. She’s showing me kindness. She’s showing me honesty.

Love, maybe? Would she ever love me? Would anyone?

She hands me a drink before getting one for herself. She takes a sip and I do the same. The drink is quite strong but the sweet taste helps. I found myself blushing and looking away when I noticed she was watching me.

She squeezed my hand and pulled me closer.

“You’re not used to it, are you?”  
“Used to what?”

I asked, a little nervous as I look back at her and she’s so close to me now, so close that I can smell her perfume, I can feel her warm breath as she talks.

“To have someone looking at you.”  
“No. It’s not really a good sign when it happens...”

Julia leans back to study my face, frowning a little.

“Is a bad sign that I notice you?”  
“No! Juls, that’s not what I meant.”  
“Then what did you mean?”  
“I’m used being shoved against a wall or tripped in the cafeteria whenever someone notices me. But I’m definitely not used on having someone as nice as you paying any attention to me.”

She is still studying me as I talk but her frown is gone, a softer expression is there instead.

“Is a good thing, then...”

She says, and I’m not sure if it's supposed to be a question or if she’s thinking aloud.

I nod.

“It is. I like when you look at me, when you... notice me.”  
“But you looked away.”  
“I... I did, but,”  
“You blushed and looked away.”  
“Juls...”  
“You’re blushing again.”

God damn it.

I close my eyes when I see her leaning closer, I try to focus on how wonderful she smells. But then I hear her voice, whispering in my ear as I fight for some self-control.

“I dare you not to look away next time.”

She’s challenging me. Provoking me, teasing me. Something no one else was ever able to do to me. Makes me smile.

Maybe she really likes me. Maybe she would love me someday. Maybe it would be ok to kiss her. Maybe she wants it as much as I do.

The fucking maybes. There are too many fucking maybes.

She steps back and takes another sip from her drink, gentle smile of her own on her lips and God, she looks beautiful.

Her hand still holding mine, she leads me to her room next...


	14. Chapter 14

 

“I have to say; your room is not what I expected.”

I let the words come out of my mouth like an idiot. She will probably think I hate it. Which I don’t. Her room wasn’t girly or had any pink. That was what surprised me. It was a normal room. Her bed in one corner and a desk in the other, photos and little notes pinned down at the wall, her window in the middle with a white curtain, few band posters and drawings surrounding the room walls.

“I’m afraid to know what exactly you expected...”

I laughed a little uncomfortable.

“More of the color pink and Barbie dolls in your bed”  
“What?? Seriously?”  
“I mean, isn’t that the default room for a girl?”  
“Clearly not, Alex. Don’t be so quick to judge...”  
“I didn’t mean to offend, I’m sorry.”

She sighs and I think maybe I crossed a line, but she walks closer to where I am, opening a drawer at her desk. I gasp. Its filled with CDs of bands I recognized. Surprise strikes me down completely. She wasn’t just a girl. Not like the ones I knew from school. She’s so much more. She has her own preferences, opinions, likes,...

“Holy shit, do you realize what you have in here?”  
“I do.”

She gives me a proud smile. It suits her.

“I had no idea you liked these bands. I love Nine Inch Nails…”  
“You can borrow the CDs if you want.”  
“Really?”  
“Sure. As long you take good care of it and bring it back when you’re done.”

I consider the idea.

“What do you want in return?”

I asked and she frowned.

“I don’t want anything in return.”  
“But, you are letting me take the CDs...”  
“I’m letting you borrow it, Alex. You don’t need to give me anything, I’m not asking for anything.”

I swallow hard. This was new for me. The only person who never asked for anything was Eric. Everyone else always had second intentions or really bad ones.

“Can Eric listen too?”  
“Of course.”  
“Thank you.”

She gives me another smile; this time is a softening one. She leans closer to the window now, looking at the few people walking by, I join her. We stay there in silence, listening to the party happening outside, to the people chatting, laughing, to the music pounding through the halls.

“What happened outside, with that guy... I’m sorry. For making a scene at your party. But Thank you for doing what you did. You didn’t have to, but, I’m grateful you did.”

I tell her, trying to keep my voice steady but it betrays me. It’s hard for me to thank someone for something, and thanking Julia for defending me in front of everyone was especially harder.

“I told you no one would disrespect you here... and he did. I’m sorry it happened at all.”  
“You didn’t know it would happen. You couldn’t have known.”  
“I’m still sorry. I don’t know why they give you such a hard time.”  
“I don’t know either.”

All the memories of every bullying act came flashing down in front of my eyes. All the name calling, the lies, and insults, all the pushes against the walls, all the punches...

“They always find a reason to mess with me and Eric. They one day looked at us and it continued ever since. It never stopped. We can count in one hand the days we don’t get made fun of.”

Julia looks away from the window to look at me.

“I’m sorry.”

I never really cared for that feeling. People say they are sorry but how can they be? They don’t know what I go through, they don’t feel what I feel. And what I feel is better to be locked down at the back of my mind. Away from my heart and soul.

But hearing from Julia, it felt real.

“It’s okay. Eric and I learned how to deal with it.”  
“How do you deal with such a thing, Alex?”

Her question catches me off guard. I knew I could trust her, I could be open and tell her what was on my mind. Could I? Would she still want me around if she knew how fucked up I really am? Would she still like me? Does she like me at all? I’m not sure of anything and I hate it and it kills me and it makes me angry and utterly sad.

If she really knew me, she would hate me too.

“In my mind, I kill them all.”

My voice is quiet, afraid. She didn’t react, her eyes locked in mine, and I try, I try to see through it but I failed. I don’t know what she’s thinking. Something inside me is urging to continue, urging to show myself to her.

The real me.

“They are all dead.”


	15. Chapter 15

 

I think I fucked up.

Julia didn’t talk much after what I said at the party. I don’t even fucking know why I said what I said. It’s not like I wanted to parade the fact I hate those fucking people. I thought Julia would understand but maybe was too much for her. Was too much for her to know that all the things she heard about me were true.

I’m the weirdo. I’m the loser.

And now I’m the monster too.

I could feel she was scared of me. She barely even looked me in the eye when she walked me back to my house and said good night... but she was so distant. Almost like she was still processing what I said.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Deep down I wanted her to understand. To understand _me_. And to understand that what I said wasn’t something I would joke about. After all the shit they put me through I have the right to feel this way. To want them gone. And to be the one who does it. But how can she understand? She doesn’t go through this hell on a daily basis. And that’s good! I wouldn’t want that to happen to her.

The way she defended me at the party made me question if maybe she was interested in me. I think she flirted with me too a couple of times. Did I imagine it? Was it all in my head? In one second, I was in her room, fascinated with how perfect she was and the next second, she was walking me home, and I felt cold without her close to me.

Like I said... I fucked up.

What’s new?


	16. Chapter 16

“Alex? Yo, Alex, you here?”

I hear Eric’s voice but I don’t move. I’m still in bed, buried underneath my pillow and blankets, moping about what I said to Julia.

“You little bitch, didn’t hear me calling? What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing’s wrong.”  
“Something happened at the party?”  
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”  
“Did Julia do something?”  
“Eric, not now...”  
“What the hell did she do?? I can’t believe this, want me to go over there and tell her what’s what?”

I jumped immediately to look at him.

“No! Just... leave her be. She didn’t do anything.”  
“Then...?”

I sigh. Might as well tell him...

“I said something I shouldn’t have and...”  
“And?”  
“I think I freaked her out.”  
“Dude, what did—”  
“I don’t wanna talk about it right this second, okay?”

I ask him but I’m pretty sure he knows I’m actually begging. I'm not ready to have this conversation.

“Alright. Okay... well, do you want me to leave?”  
“No.”  
“Okay.”

I let my head find my pillow again, but this time I stay facing him. Eric sits on the floor next to my bed, somehow he managed to find old magazines laying around.

“How are you feeling?”  
“I’m ok.”  
“Pain?”  
“The meds help. I’m alright, Alex, don’t worry about me.”  
“I worry because I care.”

I tell him, sincerely. He smiles.

“Yeah, well, I care too.”

I smile back.

“Will you spend the day?”  
“Yeah, if that’s okay? I just need to be home by dinner time.”  
“Okay good. I need a rematch from when we played last weekend.”  
“Bring it on, dude.”  
“By the way, check over there. The table next to the piano.”

He stands up and makes his way to the table, when I hear him gasp, I smile again.

“Holy shit. Where did you get these CDs?”  
“Julia.”  
“Are you shitting me? It’s hers?”  
“Yeah. She has tons of cool stuff in her room.”  
“Well, call me impressed.”  
“She said we could listen to it. Be careful okay? I want it to be in the same condition when I give it back to her.”

He makes his way to sit down next to me, bringing the CDs with him.

“Yes, Sir.”

The rest of the weekend flew by thanks to Eric. I got my rematch and won. Barely. But I won. I wonder if he let me win this time...


End file.
